


Darkroom

by colazitron



Series: Soft Focus [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-27
Updated: 2011-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-27 04:37:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/658083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colazitron/pseuds/colazitron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry breaks up with Zayn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darkroom

  
**Darkroom**   


It takes a few more weeks for Harry to feel like the guilt over Zayn's love has hollowed him out completely and there's nothing left but shame and a crippled, twisted yearning for Louis that dares not rear its head. There is also still so much fear of doing the wrong thing but Harry is sure that he is now at a point where everything is the wrong thing and it is only a matter of choosing the smallest evil. He never wants to feel like this again.

He knocks on Liam's door and for the first time in what feels like forever, Liam doesn't look at him with any measure of reproach. Harry must really look as terrible as he feels. Instead, Liam pulls him inside and onto the sofa and hugs him close.

He whispers how sorry he is for Harry over and over into his messy hair and in this moment Harry feels for the first time like he truly understands why they call him 'Daddy Direction'. He never wants to leave Liam's embrace. It's the first place he's felt safe and not like the scum on humanity's shoe in too long.

"I don't want to be scared anymore," Harry finally confesses, like it's a big secret that encompasses it all. In a way it does and when he says it, it already feels like a weight lifting off his shoulders.

"Then stop being a coward," Liam says. He's not harsh, but the disapproval of Harry leading Zayn on so long shines through loud and clear.

"I never meant to hurt him. I really thought I would come to love him just as much as..." He can't say his name. He's pretty sure Liam already knows, but saying his name feels like an ultimate betrayal to Zayn and he... can't.

"Harry. Don't be a coward. Say his name," Liam insists and Harry feels anger flare up. How dare Liam - but a look in his eyes clearly shows that he's pushing Harry for his own good. If he wants to stop being scared, he has got to stop. Hurting people is inevitable but it's not the end of the world. He has to trust that if he works for it, Zayn and he will heal with time.

"Louis. As much as Louis," he whispers and tears spill down his cheeks. Liam hands him tissues and lets him cry before he asks him what he wants to do next. Harry almost says it's not about what he wants to do, but what needs to be done, but doesn't. If he wants to stop being a coward, he needs to be honest with himself.

"I'm going to break up with Zayn. It's not fair to him or me not to. I should've done it sooner, but... I was too scared."

"You're not scared anymore?"

"Terrified."

And he still is when he leaves Liam's flat and makes his way to Zayn's. He wonders if he should've dressed up, made more of an effort. He's in sweatpants and a t-shirt and he's just glad that at least they're his own.

Zayn's beaming smile upon opening the door to him melts away into a look of concern and Harry's heart breaks all over.

"Babe, are you alright?" he asks. "Come in."

Zayn lays an arm across his shoulders as he pulls him over to the sofa and sits down with him, snuggled up close; protective and loving. Harry reaches up with his hand and takes Zayn's arm away from around himself as gently as possible. He wants to hold on to Zayn's hand for fear of him running away or simply disappearing when he hears what he has to say, but places it on Zayn's thigh and lets go. His own hands are shaking.

"Harry, you're scaring me. Are you okay?" Zayn asks again. Harry nods and stares at his knees before lifting his head and looking at Zayn.

"Zayn, I love you. I really do. You're sweet and you're so good to me and I don't deserve you."

"Of course you do!" Zayn interrupts and grabs for Harry's hands. Harry pulls them away, shaking his head.

"No, I don't. I've done something terrible. Been doing something terrible."

Zayn looks like he's been punched in the face and scoots away from Harry, just the tiniest bit as he asks, his voice rough,

"Is there someone else?"

Harry swallows heavily against the tears. He's not allowed to cry now.

"I've not done anything, I haven't even told them, but.... there is," he confesses and watching Zayn's face crumble into misery is the worst thing he's ever had to witness in his life. "There always has been," he adds, because Zayn deserves his complete honesty and he deserves whatever it is Zayn chooses to do with him now.

Zayn gets up and runs a hand over his face, turned away from Harry, his other arm slung around his own abdomen. Neither of them says anything and the silence stretches between them like tar.

"Who...?" Zayn croaks, but changes his mind immediately. "No, don't tell me who it is. I couldn't...."

Harry grinds his teeth together and wishes he could take Zayn's pain away somehow. It's not fair that he has to suffer for Harry's mistakes.

"I'll change," Zayn turns around to promise abruptly. He sinks to his knees and holds on to Harry's hands like a life line. "I can be better. Just tell me what you want, so I can..."

"Zayn, no," Harry immediately cuts him off and squeezes Zayn's hands in a gesture that is meant to portray how deeply he does care for him but probably fails. "You're perfect. You're so nice and lovely and smart and all around amazing. Don't ever change."

"Then why...?" _Why am I not enough?_

"You're just not for me."

"Why would you even agree to go out with me in the first place if you didn't love me?!" Zayn challenges and Harry feels tiny and like a bastard.

"I thought I would. I never meant to hurt you, Zayn. I thought this other ... thing... was a stupid, childish infatuation and it would fade soon."

"But it didn't." It's not a question but Harry feels the need to answer anyway.

"It didn't," he confirms, swallowing heavily.

"So you're breaking up with me. And I guess you still want to be friends," he spits bitterly and draws back from Harry, sitting at the opposite end of the sofa. For what it feels like, he might as well sit in Australia. There's a chasm between them that Harry's sure he can only ever cross if Zayn helps him along from the other side. If Zayn allows it.

"Of course I still want to be your friend, Zayn, but I don't want to do anything you're not comfortable with. If you want to pretend I don't exist, if you want the boys to pretend I don't exist... I'll do anything. Just please... please don't ask me to leave the band."

Harry barely dares to ask this of him and if Zayn needs him to, he will. Zayn looks stricken and leans forward as if moving to reassure Harry, but catches himself and pulls back again.

"Of course I don't want you to leave the band, Harry, don't be stupid. We promised this wouldn't ever affect the band, remember?"

He swallows and draws a deep breath, trying to smile shakily at Harry but failing.

"I want to be your friend too, but I'll need time. I am probably going to pretend you don't exist for a while. And I may need to borrow Louis a lot and get completely hammered. Maybe I'll snog him, just to spite you."

It's said in a forcibly light tone and Harry knows Zayn meant "so I'll have someone else too" and not "so he won't be yours" but his stomach ties itself into incredibly confused knots at the thought. But Zayn's trying to lighten the mood and so he smiles at him, accepting the joke for what it is and keeping the ugly possessiveness buried.

"I'm really sorry," Harry says and Zayn nods his acceptance.

"It's good that you told me. You did the right thing," Zayn assures him and Harry feels his heart swell and burst with humbled adoration.

"You're going to find someone who is so much better than me," he promises and then gets up from the sofa. Zayn glances at him before looking down at the carpet.

"Goodbye, Harry," he says. Harry wants to reach out to him, touch him, kiss him, make it better, but he knows anything he does will only make it worse.

"Goodbye," he says and leaves.

**The End**


End file.
